Got jokes? Let's hear em!

**RisingAgainst** · 06-22-2007, 03:10 AM

So, LeanBulk and myself were telling jokes over AIM, and I decided I wanted more jokes, so let's hear what ya got! lol

**Sampson** · 06-22-2007, 04:16 AM

haha anything goes here, please don't take offese to anything that gets posted in this thread. its all in good humor. I am not racist, I do not have a problem with the gays, the jews....fuck them lol, just kidding. no problem with the jews either! whatever ends up getting posted here should NOT be taken seriously!

**Sampson** · 06-22-2007, 04:18 AM

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

**RisingAgainst** · 06-22-2007, 04:29 AM

Difference bewteen a jew and a pizza = Pizzas don't scream in the oven

Difference between a nigger and a tire = Tires don't sing when you put chains on em

Difference between making love and having sex = the hourly rate! LOL

EDIT: second disclaimer... I am not by any means racist or anti-semitic... I just hear funny jokes and like to repeat them...

stope · 06-22-2007, 12:56 PM

There is a guy sitting a bar and some people are watching him because he is talking to his hand. So one of the guys decides to go ask him why he is talking to his hand. The guy replies I had a cellphone implanted into my hand because i do so much business that i never want to lose it. So they talked for a while and the gentlemen excuses himself to go to the bathroom. The guy at the bar is waiting for like 20 minutes and decides to go check on him. He get into the bathroom and there the guy is with his hands on the wall with toilet paper stuck in his ass. The guy asks him what is going on and the gentlemen replies Sorry I had to receive a fax.

ENIGMA · 06-22-2007, 01:31 PM

I have a few

Q. What does Ellen DeGeneris cook for dinner every night?
A. She doesn't, she eats out!

Q. What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
A. Christopher Reeves got the electric chair....and O.J walked!

Q. How did Helen Keller's mother punish her?
A. By rearranging the living-room furniture.

Q. What does McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both stick their meat in 13 year old buns.

Q. What does JFK Jr. miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
A. The runway.

ENIGMA · 06-22-2007, 01:31 PM

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! THAT B*TCH!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

**Sampson** · 06-22-2007, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ENIGMA

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! THAT B*TCH!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

LOL thats a gag. thanks for the good laugh!

muad33b · 07-05-2007, 02:32 PM

How does an 80 year old woman taste? Depends.

What do you do when you come across an Elephant? Wipe it off.

Guy walks into a bar and sees a bucket of $$ on the bar... he asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender tells him; that's what you win if you can make the horse outside laugh. So the guys gets up, walks outside, and a few seconds later walks back in... the horse is laughing, so the bartender, stunned, gives him the bucket o' cash.... The next week, same guy comes in, sees the same bucket o' $$, and the bartender sees him and says that this time, since he's already made the horse laugh, the prize is for making the horse cry. The guy walks outside to the horse, and a minute later walks in and the horse is crying. The bartender can't believe it and asks the guy how he made the horse laugh and cry like that... the guy says "The first time I told 'im that my dick was bigger then his... the second time, I showed him!"

asianbabe · 07-14-2007, 02:43 AM

Best pickup line ever.. "so, wanna go halves on a baby?"